Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Decision Day

I am praying this will be the time....I have tried so many times and like others out there I have never, not once, finished the journey.  Oh sure, I have lost 50 lbs. twice and in no time flat put it back on and more.

But I digress.  My story will come out over time.  My purpose today is to begin in a new way to fight an old battle with myself. 

You know, I felt bad using my own name in the title.  But there is a reason for that.  I want to find out how to love me, know me, celebrate me and all (and I do mean all) my imperfections.

The basics of the story?  Probably it will sound very familiar to you.  But it happens in decades...At age 7 being made fun of in 2nd grade for being chubby by girls whose names I can still remember; at age 17 having my best guy friend tell me for the first and not the last time, if you only lost weight you would be hot (I weighed a "horrid" 132 lbs.); at 27 having a spouse that had a low tolerance for imperfection (that's putting it mildly); at 37 having a significant person in my life and hearing again, if you only lost weight; and now at 47 still fighting the same battle and feeling 7 yrs old again.

During my marriage and raising 3 children, the excuse was always, someday the kids would be grown and I would have time for myself.  THEN, I always promised, I would have time for me.

And then as my spouse continued to put the pressure on to lose weight, of course I gained instead.  So it became HIS fault that I didn't love me.

But now, I am single, the kids are grown and doing their adult thing, and it isn't anyone's fault but mine.  I have been divorced for over 5 years and I can no longer put the blame on my former spouse.  It all lies with me.

So the Journey to Laura is me searching for me.  The Laura who did not love herself enough to take care of herself.  And the years piled up.  And the pain grew bigger.  And so did I.

This may sound sad and depressing but I assure you that if you stay with me, there are alot of positive stories to come.  These past years have not been for nothing.  Many internal battles have been won.

This weight fight is like the last frontier.  My weight i.e. lack of love for Laura, has stood between me and many a dream.  I want to win this once and for all.  I want to look in the mirror and see a friend not a broken, sad, wrinkled woman who has given up.

So off I go....Day 1.  Small steps.  I have planned my meals for the day.  I started my journal and this blog.  I am going to love me more than yesterday.  And it is going to feel good.

Dear God, please help me change my thinking.  Please help me to think about what if I succeed rather than what if I fail again.  I know You want me to be whole in my heart, mind and body.  Thank You for Your unfailing love and the many chances You give us to make things right.  May I honor You in how I live today.  Amen.