The most challenging part for me is disappointing others. I want so much to be my true self. I NEED to know who I am, and live a life that is honest and true before God. First, I must find my true self, but it seems like the more I am myself, the more kick-back I get! I have struggled as an adult woman to reconcile myself back to the One who made me. I let myself get so off-track trying to satisfy my hunger to please everyone in my life, only to find that was entirely impossible and I woke up laying in a pile of rubbish, smelling like every dirty thing you can imagine. I was all used up by the roads I traveled to feel loved and accepted.
As I started with earnest the pursuit to find myself, the real me, imperfections and all, I was ready to accept a rocky pathway and mistakes along the way. The problem was no one else way ready for that. All the cheerleaders seem to be okay with cheering but not so okay with failures as I would take big lunges forward only to find I had crashed into the glass staircase. Many were the times that I could not hold in my frustration and pulled into a dark parking lot and screamed into the ceiling of my car, loud and long. Eventually those screams gave way to short road trips to the falls, quick phone calls to a mentor, prayers, repeating of promises God made, a verse from a song, or any weapon that I was using at the moment to help me move forward when things were anxious for me.
During all of this back and forth, to and fro, struggling with myself and God, wrestling with the right and wrong of who I was and who I was meant to be, I disappointed a lot of people. They let it be known too. I have lost count how many people let me go, in one form or another. I am not saying that I did not deserve it. I am saying that I was hurt that so many people did not keep standing near me while I was in such a critical place. Now I can say that God knows the future, He sees all the plans, He knows each season and He knows every tomorrow. There is nothing hid from Him. But in my despair I wondered where did my people go.
Here is the best thing that I have learned about times of distress, anxiety, and unknowing times. God understands when we are strung out. I have learned to picture it like a big coffee table and my life is a huge puzzle on the table. Pieces are everywhere. Sections are started, edges began, piles of pieces, some fallen on the floor. It can look quite disheveled and overwhelming to me. But God is sitting right beside me. He is working on it with me. He is encouraging and smiling. "Oh, look! Here is that piece we were searching for! I found it under the table!" He is a helper and a friend indeed. He isn’t looking down on me, waiting for my perfection to show up, He is sitting right beside me, working on my mess with me. He does not expect me to know everything. He is teaching me His ways. He lifts my chin up when I’m crying and He is eternally my Best Friend.
You can never, ever disappoint God so much that He does not care about you.
It was also pointed out to me that others aren’t used to me being my real self, the changes that come when one is tackling a complete redo, especially taking a firm stand for my own good. Of course, it surprised them and caught them off guard when I did that. It really is an art that takes mastering, delivering my new and also ever-changing self to friends and family who have known me a long time. It's not like I can hold a news conference and say, "Hey, please bear with me. I am not quite myself and I may be on quick-change personality for a while. God's not through with me yet. I sure appreciate your love and patience. In fact, I need it more than ever!" (this is still very true!)
I wish I could have given everyone warning. Because what I have come through was bigger than Hurricane Laura. But God is big enough to take care of all of my needs. Even old friends, new friends, my children, and my two grandbabies....and things I don't even know about yet. He is still working on my puzzle with me and I am still changing.
And I’m learning.
Every. Single. Day. 🌺