Do You Want a Little Bit or All?

It must seem like that I am always struggling in life, at least, it seems that way to me.  I wonder often when I sit down to write just how interesting could this even be to anyone else.  Everyone has problems and I am not special on that count.  But I just can't help but share what happened to me today. You may believe or you may not, but it happened all the same.

For several weeks I have been in a battle of wills.  Not with anyone but myself!  I have been reviewing and reliving certain situations and could not come up with an answer on how to move forward.  It was eating me up inside.

When I woke up this morning, I reached for the iPhone to peruse Facebook and I went to my homepage. There, it lists the past years and if clicked on, certain posts and events will display from that time period.  I noticed that there were many posts of peace, joy, and contentment during 2010, 2011, and 2012.  Many of the posts were cheery and hopeful and a far cry from how I have been feeling lately. As I laid my head back on the pillow to consider what was different, it all came flooding back.  I used to be very involved in helping other women finding their life path and also active in seeking out my own.  Once a weekly, regular attender of church services, now found me weeks, if not months from my last visit. God had noticed and was beginning to tug at my heart.  I had once been so close with God that I knew when He was talking to me.  I felt His leading.  He was here, trying to reach me.

I had plans for today.  It didn't include going to church.  I wanted to sleep, get a coffee, try to resolve that nagging issue, and watch Wild Card Sunday NFL games.  I shut my eyes trying to shut out that tugging on my heart but ever so clearly God spoke...not out loud, but to my heart.  He told me if I would go to church today He would bless me.  "Oh good," I thought to myself. "I need a blessing."  I was only thinking of my nagging issue and not about God at all.

I was aggravated about going.  It messed up my plans.  Now nothing was in order and it looked like I would miss the Cowboys playing this afternoon if I was to accomplish my to-do list.  I got ready for church but had an edge on me and a battle played out in my mind.  "Did God really say that?" "Surely He didn't mean it." "Do I have to go to East Hill?  It's so far away."  "Maybe I can just go and leave early."  I even thought about stopping at just any nearby church so I could say that I did it.

When those thoughts popped into my head, I heard God say:  "Do you want a little blessing or ALL of my blessing?"  Oh sheesh.  Looks like I am going to East Hill and I am staying through the entire service, and no sneaking out early!

Well, wouldn't you know it....the very first song had these words:  "I will praise Him because that's what I was meant to do."  I was singing but my mind was on a million different things and I couldn't focus on church.  After a few rounds of the chorus those words finally penetrated my cold, hard, heart.  "I will worship Him because that's what I was meant to do."  NOT for the blessings He might give me or for any other reason.  Just because.  I got a little teary-eyed and began experiencing a warmth in my heart and wetness flow from my eyes.

As the singing continued, more words pierced the edgy cloak I clung to:  "I have tasted the  sweetest loves where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone."  I suddenly thought of my granddaughter, Araceli, and Liam, both little ones in my life.  When I am with them, I feel wonderful.  There is no thought of anything negative or sad and I am constantly smiling.  I often say I feel like I am at Disneyland.  I feel free and loved and no shame.  But as I sang those words about the 'sweetest of loves where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone,' I realized that as good as I felt with those little ones, God had something even more and even better in mind.  As my heart took that in, I was overwhelmed to get a real sense of what God was doing.  He wasn't blessing me with personal gain but He was blessing me with a renewed spirit.  Hope, my long-forgotten life word, was filling me.  He wanted to shower me eternally with sweet love and freedom from my shame.

Then, Pastor read about "where there is no revelation, the people will cast off restraint" or, "where there is no vision, the people will perish."

And there it was.  I had lost my vision and with that, I had lost my way.  No longer did my faith just spring up out of an often pumped well.  No effort was made to even prime the pump.  The vision was gone and I was set to perish.  Simple decisions about basic needs were not being made well or with restraint.  Small situations were feeling like do-or-die moments. Basically, I had given in to whining, kicking and screaming like a toddler.  No revelation, and no restraint.

Pastor also said:  "When the context of life is bigger than the Rock-that-is-higher-than-I, we must get closer."

My faltering steps, my disbelief, my inside struggle with the simplest issues of life were all a call to get closer; an open door to find the vision again; to remember who God said I was and just be that.  Tears and mascara were flowing now as I realized just how orchestrated this day had been. I stood in awe and wondered at how much God must care about me to have put such a plan together.  It's not the first time He has demonstrated Himself to me and I pray it is not the last.

Pastor had one more thing he said several times throughout the sermon.  He said, "Everyone ends up somewhere; few end up there on purpose."

So I come back to the question God asked me:  Do I want a little bit of blessing or all of it?

I left church today a different way than how I went in and I will be taking my messy, weary, self back again, on purpose, next week.  Because I don't want just a little bit.

Just My Thoughts

JUST MY THOUGHTS ON DEPRESSION
By Laura Holzbach
August 14, 2014

This week, as a result of the loss of Robin Williams I am sure, I have read more than a few posts about depression and suicide. I am saddened to see how easily the judgmental comments fly. Comments like "most selfish thing you could do" and "you have a choice" and "just get over it" are just a few that I read. What you are reading here are my thoughts on the subject....I am not a doctor or anything. I  am just compelled to write what's on my mind in hopes of making a difference or to bring about some understanding.

My first thought is, unless you have personally been in that dark place where unimaginable thoughts seem like real options, then please do not comment on someone suffering with depression. It doesn't count if you "know" someone or have a friend or family member who.....The only ones who really, really know, and I feel have a right to describe it, have unfortunately been there. Those are the ones who have endured the crushing pressure depression brings.  It completely changes who you are.

Secondly, I wholeheartedly agree that it is a spiritual problem. It is also a disease of the mind. Depression takes you places you don't want to go and it requires unbelievable effort to dig out. Well-meaning advice and preaching only sounds like blah, blah, blah. Sincere help is required, preferably someone who has lived it. Demonstrating a know-it-all spirit or criticizing just creates a stronger barrier between help and the depressed.

Something that you must realize is that depressed people are far from selfish. They usually are excessive givers of all they have: time, money, and love without question or limits. Depressed people measure how much you value them by how accepted they feel, whether they are giving or not. Being accepted no matter what will build a bridge, whereas pointing out areas where they could change builds walls.

Also, depression is not a choice. Just like you don't choose cancer, one does not choose depression. It's exactly like the commercial for the anti-depressant where the heavy coat puts itself on the person and won't leave. It is a weight you cannot shake. It wraps itself around you and takes hold, zipping up tight for the long haul. Depression is not invited and when it shows up, it acts like it owns the place. It sets up shop and begins roughing up the most tender places, running like a bull in the china closet causing destruction every step of the way. No....sufferers of depression do not choose this life. Accordingly, they deserve help, respect, and support as they wage war against this unwanted disease.

When a depressed person gets deep and dark enough that they consider, or God forbid, take their own life....it is because they absolutely think it is the very best decision for the problem they are facing. It makes sense to them. It's not a selfish choice. It is one that a depressed person believes is based on rational thinking. It doesn't matter that "ending it" means forever. It's just the way to get relief from the constant battle in the mind.

In closing, being judgmental, critical or preachy is the worst thing you can do. It would be better if you said nothing. Because as you judge, ridicule, and speak poorly of someone caught up in depression, they are hearing every word you say and even ones you don't. And they believe it. Every. Single. Word. They readily believe themselves to be selfish, ungodly, and deserving of this painful walk through life.

I am one of those people who has walked this road. Yes, me. The girl who believes the glass is half full, runs on optimism and a belief that prizes are always appropriate. Nearly twenty years ago I emptied every pill bottle in my house into a ziploc sandwich bag. I put the bulging bag in the top drawer of my dresser thinking I would use them one day. Thank God, I did not and I am far from that girl today. The short version of a long story is that I needed the medical help (anti-depressant) so I could seek the spiritual help and life changes necessary to fight this deadly battle. God blessed me and has proved Himself in miraculous ways and I am grateful that He is on my side to face everyday.  God is merciful.

But please hear what I am really saying...Don't try to give advice if you haven't been there, 'cause you just don't understand. Only those who have walked the walk can truly say "I know how you feel."

I pray if you read this that you will consider these words when you witness a depressed person struggling. Don't condemn them. You haven't walked in their shoes.

Encouragement....give some.