The Always, Never, Ever Gang

As I complete 2011 and enter into 2012, I have to say it has been my best year yet.  My life started to level out in August 2010 but I really hit my stride this year.  It feels good to look back and see the changes and the progress.  God has been so good.

It has been nearly seven years since the Terrible Awful.  I have known the whole time that God was with me but I was completely confused on how to move forward.  My actions, attitude, and my sense of values were extremely skewed.  I spent the first four years seeking, searching, trying, messing up, and trying again.  Day after day I felt like I wasn't making any movement forward and that I would ALWAYS feel like a failure.

Always?  If you really think about it not much is for always.  Never and ever aren't usually true either. 

You ALWAYS forget my birthday.
He NEVER could drive well.
I can't EVER do this right.

See what I mean?  Strike these words from your vocabulary.

The Terrible Awful had me down and out.  I was done.  I had lived my life.  I had my chance.  No one would EVER love me now.  I will NEVER be okay.  It will ALWAYS be like this.

Is this you?  Always, Never, Ever?  Wondering out to get out of it?  Where to start?

Nearly seven years have gone by and it was difficult.  Worse than that.  It seemed never-ending.  It felt like I would just skim by a tough spot and something else would hit me and knock me down.  I fussed and fumed and complained about fairness and life.  Why me, I would ask?  And that's when The Always, Never, Ever Gang would begin their work.  They would say things like:

No one will ever love you now.
You will never be okay.
Life will always be like this.

It is at these times we must run back to God.  Run!

Tell your mountains how big your God is instead of telling God how big your mountains are!  Sorta like having a big brother but even better.  Ever get into an argument on the playground and threaten to get your brother?  Tell The Gang about your God!

Watch every, single day for His touch on your life. Be watching for every thing, big or small, that just seem to go right or work out.  Get a couple of good friends with whom you can share your life, the ups and downs, who will help with accountability in life's journey and celebrate the victories.  Ask them to help you see what you cannot.  Changes that will help you move forward.  Journal this stuff. 

I have been journaling and it is a good reminder when I look back and see how far I have traveled.  A framed sign I have says:  "I may not have gone the way I thought I would but I think I have ended up where I am supposed to be."

I have a Maker.  He knows my heart.  My best days are ahead of me.

Recently I was going through the Starbucks drivethru before church on a Sunday morning.  It was a sunny day, my tunes were playing and I was thinking...."God, here I am alone.  Eating this cardboard diet bar.  But I am happier than I have ever been."  And it was true!

So I pulled up to get my tall, nonfat, no whip, extra hot, peppermint mocha and a very handsome man (not a kid either) smiled at me and said, "good morning, beautiful.  Good music!"

As I rolled out of the drivethru I knew that God brought that person into my life for just that moment.  When I am sitting in the car alone with my bar, God sees me.  He isn't too busy to hear my heart cry and He responded with a friendly face with a sweet compliment just to say:  "I know right where you are!" 

He knows me.  He sees me.  He knows my name.

You can have the same simple assurance that I do.  Search for Him.  Seek His ways.  Just do the next RIGHT thing.  Keep walking toward Him.   

If you aren't sure where to begin, I began so simply.  You can do it too! Start with easy stuff. God can speak to your heart in many ways if you are looking.

First, I started out with a daily devotion calendar in my bathroom so as I got ready each morning, I would read that devotion and plant a seed for the day.  So many times it was so fitting my life circumstances.  When it did, I celebrated it, knowing God was watching over me.  As I shared the devotion and its significance in my life with family and friends, it built my faith too!

Another thing I did was signup for an email devotion so that I receive that daily as well.  I also got an app on my phone that provides a different Psalms or Proverb each day.  I got a yearly book of daily devotions, pocketsize, to keep in my purse for those times of stress or strife.  Play uplifting music only for just one week and let me know how much this changes your attitude.  Say goodbye to The Always, Never, Ever Gang!  

Be on the lookout for things to be thankful for and give Him thanks.

You have a Maker.  He knows your heart.  He sees you.  He knows your name.  He knows right where you are.

Dear God, What a difference You have made in my life.  When I looked for You, You were there!  Let my life show others that it doesn't matter what Terrible Awful they are facing.  There is a Hope.  It is You!  You have a plan for each one of us and it is good.  Help us to look for You in everything we do.  Amen. 

The Character House

Last week I had what I am beginning to call a "Genesis Moment."  The Genesis Process involves a small group working on the deep-seeded feelings that cause us to repeat the same responses to hurtful situations.  The old hurts have created habits and responses that don't work.  It helps us to understand and change those responses and have more successful relationships.  I have grown because of this wonderful counseling and I am noticing more often when I am in a "Genesis Moment."  It is helping me get to the heart of the matter right then and there!  (If you want to know more about this class, let me know.  It has changed my life.)

At any rate, my moment began as several family members were gathered at my daughter's home and talking about going back to school as an adult.   Mainly we were talking about how math is difficult to get back into after years being out of school.

Something about math brought up my memory of freshman Geometry.  In eighth grade, I was deemed "smart enough" to take Algebra, thus putting those chosen ahead in the math track at school.  I started the class along with about 30 others and truly thought someone had made a mistake.  I didn't get it.  I wasn't supposed to be in this class.  I am not smart.  I struggled through it and because of a passing grade was put in Geometry as a freshman.  But I felt like I had fooled everyone because I just didn't get it.

My freshmen geometry class was mostly upper classmen and I felt very out of place.  On top of that, Geometry was far more difficult for me than Algebra.  I took alot of notes about theroms and axioms and quadrants but how it all was supposed to work together, I had no idea.  I got continually behind and did poorly on tests.  Just going to class was getting to be such a burden.  I was facing failure and forced to put on a facade every single day upon the ringing of the bell for 7th period.

Rather than choosing to ask for help, the more appropriate option for relief was of course, skip class.  (I say this very facetiously.  Skipping and not asking for help and choosing the wrong option became a habit in my life.  Just get rid of the pain with the tools at hand.  Avoid at all costs.)

I had never skipped a class before and I was so fearful of getting caught skipping.  I was sure that every person who saw me in the hall during 7th period KNEW I was being bad and skipping.  I felt like I was wearing a t-shirt saying, "Look at me!  I am skipping Geometry!"  But even the fear of getting caught skipping was easier to face than my failure in that class.

As I shared that story with my daughter and mom for the first time, my mom shared that she was always afraid of the grades on her report card so that kept her in line with her classes and grades.

But my failure gets worse.  I admitted to her, again for the first time, that I had intercepted my report cards because I had gotten a D in Geometry.

Looking back, I see there were smaller examples of this same avoiding behavior when I was younger.  But the older we get the bigger the problems, the bigger the issues we create and the results are devastating.

It is odd to realize that I actually began to burn down my Character House a long time ago.  The things that happened in my adult life should really have been no surprise at all.  The problems got bigger and my answers were more and more destructive.

In a book called "Little Britches" that I had read aloud to my kids, there is a chapter about The Character House.  The story is about a family who moves to Colorado to be ranchers.  The father in the book explains to his son that if we constantly pull boards off of our Character House to put them in the fire to stay warm, eventually our house is in ruins.

I began thinking about who in the world destroys their own house?  We would never take a sledge hammer to our home to knock off the boards for burning.  It sounds absolutely crazy.  But pull them off, I did.

And as I pursued this thought, I also remembered a recent show about 9/11.  It was the story of an NFL player who was in a building next to the trade centers before they fell.  He had not yet evacuated his building and witnessed several of those who jumped from the building in hopes it was a better option than what they were facing on those upper floors.

What must the pain be like to cause someone to turn on themselves?  To choose very obvious, at least to those watching, very obvious self-injuring options.   We will never know what pain they were facing that made that option look appealing. 

These are just the thoughts that I have been considering as I looked at my own life.  I created such terrible and hurtful patterns.  I thought it was the only answer.  And no one could have helped me because I didn't let them know I was in trouble or needed help. 

Through the Genesis Process I have learned how important it is to be open and honest.  More than that, it has been completely freeing.  I have always longed to be an open person and now I can say that I am much more so.  Being honest and sharing your hurts and pain just opens the door for healing and a free life.  Also, having people in life that will require accountability and ask the tough questions is imperative.

My best days are ahead of me.  God is moving in my life so often that I can barely keep up with the many blessings He has given to me.  The Journey to Laura is seeing fruit and I am finding the Real Gurl, the me that God always intended me to be.  Not perfect, but open and honest and forgiving.  Recently I had three friends actually use the word "transparent" when they talked about the change in me.  They could not have said anything nicer.

Dear God, I cannot thank You enough for the path of my life.  So many times I would have given up but You continued to have Hope for me.  I would go through everything again as long as it meant I would be right here today.  Life is not perfect but I am perfectly free from the chains and through the help of The Genesis Process I get freer every day.  Thank you for helping me rebuild my Character House.  Love, A Real Gurl